Shaved Head, Pavement Spit, Holy X you’re an @$$

May 22, 2012

Last week I decided that I have given up dating foreigners forever.. After a year of language barriers and ESL love interests I made my choice- American Boys or nothing.

I work at a store that sells primarily jeans. As a sales girl, it is my job to tell guys (and girls) that they absolutely neeeeeeed these $200 jeans and absolutely cannot live without them. Roughly three weeks ago a guy was in the store with a bunch of his friends trying on jeans, it was rainy and the store was empty so his friend, who was obviously bored made a comment about a pair of floral Paige jeans we have- we suggest he tries them on. Being the “big shot” this guy was not only does he try on the floral girls jeans he tries on the royal blue so he can match my co-worker Andrea. His guys name is Chris, and I actually though he was pretty cute and really funny. He was like, quirky cute? I dont know…

We got a kick out of Chris’s behavior and he asks me to take a picture and send it to him, strategically a way to get my number (which i truly didn’t realize at the time). Chris comes back the next week and buys the men’s Paige royal blues and although I didn’t recognize him at the time made small talk. Again, I thought he was super funny and cute but I thought the girl in his group of friends was his girlfriend so I didn’t really flirt back.

Fast Forward a week later and I get a text from Chris telling me hes wearing his royal blue jeans out and its only fitting that I will go out with him and his friends that night to some bar. I politely, repeatedly decline but hes persistent. I don’t budge. He texts me the next day to tell me he’s SoOoO hungover and I pretend to care, we later have a nice little convo about where he graduated from and movies that are out. He offers to drive from his place in Roslindale to Marshfield to take me to see Avengers, again, I decline. So of course when he offers to buy me dinner after work the next day I accept- otherwise i’m a bitch- besides when he asked if I had a boyfriend I said I didn’t- before I realized his obnoxiousness.

So this guy has no opinion about where we shall go to dinner, none at all. I ask what kinda food he likes and all I get is a “idc, lol i just moved here”… So i have to pick the place… I’m like okay lets go to Joe’s because everyone likes Joe’s and the prices are reasonable. Hes like “ok” via text- thanks for the enthusiasm i’m glad you’re so excited to see me when you practically begged me to go on this date with you. Shows up at my work even after close to come get me- doesn’t give me a hug or act excited to see me. Alrighty then…

-Walk to Joe’s- Spits on ground. Classy. I’m immediately feeling really good about going on a date with this guy.

-Ask what he does for a job, he sells credit card machines to businesses. He’s the guy you hang up the phone on.. alluring.

-Tells me he hates his job, I can understand why.

I’m obviously impressed by prince charming, so naturally I order one of the most expensive entrees on the menu, $20 crab cakes when the average meal is $14… don’t feel bad about it… and two Corona’s when I really only needed one to wash down my dinner. He had one draft. I’m ok with that.

– Tells me he played baseball in college at Holy Cross (Suddenly his spitting makes sense), I pretend to be impressed although in reality I couldn’t care less. Omg D1 AtHlEtE Marry me*~?

-Talks about how drunk he used to get in college, amusing.

-Talks to me about his men’s league softball team, sexy.

-Tells me about his old job at a golf course at Foxwoods and how he used to tip the bartender at least 100% on $2 drafts, baller.

-Brags about how he’s never smoked a cigarette or pot, sounds like someone i’d be best friends with….

We departed and I headed off on the redline as he whisked away on the orange (orange line = red flag), I hope to never see him again… unless he’s buying jeans. Regardless- I may refer him elsewhere to do so.

The guy barely smiled. I felt like we were already in a relationship on the verge of a breakup. At least I left full.'
More about Mackenzie Newcomb

  • m

    americans > internationals