I believe in equality except you should pick up the check at dinner.

June 13, 2012

A million times in your life you’ll have “what if” moments, very few of those times actually turn out to be something special. Your wildest dreams are wild because they are unrealistic and unpredictable, there is no such thing as destiny there is only such a thing as will power. My life is 3/4 love story and 1/4 a horror movie. It is often unpredictable, for what can be predicted I often alter in order to make a better story. I think I’m an actress, I am borderline delusional.

Those of you who have read my blog before may have read my entry about “Oregon”– This is the second part of that story.

For those of you who haven’t read the story: click here or else reading on is absolutely pointless.

My sixteen year old self’s judgement caused a series of events this past week to occur. Everything I write from here on out is 100% the truth, no exaggeration, I couldn’t make this up.

I wake up early this past Sunday, (June 3rd) morning. I have a big day ahead of me, I have to be at the airport by 7:30 am to pickup Jake. I spent a little extra time getting ready, after all this is what I’ve been waiting for… for years. I couldn’t believe that after all this time I would finally see Jake. This is the guy I have been telling people for years that I was going to marry. I was seriously convinced.

I walk to the blue line to take the train to the airport. I had never been on the blue line before but it was just as clean as I heard it was, there was no cell phone service. This was unfortunate because all I wanted to do was tweet about Jake coming to visit from Oregon. I felt incredible that someone was willing to travel the country to see me. My trip to Logan airport felt like a dream, my stomach was in knots, my mind was racing.

Jake gets off of the plane and I see him from a distance, he looks exactly like I remember. We hug and share a slightly awkward but passionate kiss. He tells me that he’s been waiting years to be able to do that again. I’m melting. As expected, we stare into each others eyes and tell each other how we cannot believe we are finally reunited. I’m already dreaming of his decision to stay in Boston forever and marry me….what a story to tell our children, right?

Once we get his luggage from baggage claim I suggest we take a taxi back to my apartment. I only live two “T” stops away so I assumed the ride would cost like $10 or so, I was wrong. Before leaving the airport the driver charges us the $10 fee, and by the time we reached my apartment it had cost us $30. Jake gets out of the cab leaving me to pay. Since I suggested we take the taxi, I paid without a problem. Although did it seemed weird,  I still refused to believe that Jake wasn’t the prince I had portrayed him to be for so long.

It was a dreary day outside, light but cold rain. There wasn’t much we could do in this weather. We walk to get breakfast foods from the 7eleven down the street. Jake buys us food for breakfast sandwiches. Then we go back to my house and make them. He was quiet but I knew he was tired because he took a flight that caused him to skip 6 hours of his life. I let him nap in my bed as I cooked breakfast. I then joined him for a quick nap.

Every time he kissed me he told me how long hes been waiting to do so. It felt surreal being held by the guy I had told all my friends for years that i was going to marry. The love story I began over three years ago was being continued, as I had dreamed for so long it would.


I showed him around the city for a little bit because my roommate’s conservative father was bringing things to our apartment, which we had just moved into three days prior. I knew that he wouldn’t appreciate Jake’s visit, so the two of us walked around my neighborhood and I gave him a tour of the area I used to live as well. We went to a Mexican place I used to go to frequently, Fajitas and Ritas. He complained about the prices of burritos there, and asked the waitress for a split bill. Okay……

A topic of conversation that day was his trouble with monogamy. He told me he was dating a girl right before he decided to come to Boston to see me, he said that coming here probably ruined things for good with her. He said the reason they broke up, on her birthday weekend, was because she saw text messages he sent another girl, a girl he apparently “never even hung out with” (as if that matters). According to him the girl he was dating was under the impression they were more exclusive then they actually were. This girl was also completely unaware he had come to Boston to see me. He also mentioned that he had asked her out to dinner a few times in the past month, but she has already moved on to another guy. He was furious that she had begun dating someone else.

We went to a local bar later to watch the game, he told me that he doesn’t feel men need to impress women because women have careers now. He thinks that women should have to impress men. He told me that at 24 he has still never taken a women on a dinner date, but because he likes me he’ll pay for my half of the pizza. WOWWWW!!!! Thanks.

The next day is equally gross outside, in the morning we walked around and did a little exploring, when we returned many of my friends from school were over, Jake decided it was his place to ask to smoke all their weed. Class act. He is relatively silent, even when we went out to lunch with my friend Kaela and her friend from home. He had relatively nothing to bring to a conversation. His silence made me cringe. I wanted soo bad to like…. LOVE this person, but his mannerisms made caring about him nearly impossible.

When we return he takes a nap and I get to hangout with my friend Meg. The 2 hours he slept were the best moments of my 5 days with him. Meg and I went to Urban, I finally admitted to her that I hated him. Unfortunately, it only took a day for me to realize this.

Later that night we go to see Men in Black III in 3D, I pay ($36). It was a good movie, I wouldn’t spend half my bank account balance on it though.

The next morning when we wake up Jake says to me “Babe, you should get us some Redsox tickets for today”. I oblige, because I mentioned going to the game long before he came. I decide its probably the best day for a duck tour also (a Boston visit “must do”).

We go to the ticket booth near Fannuel hall for the duck tour, I see him ask for information on the side of the booth, to avoid standing in front of the cash register. I mean, I just paid for the RedSox tickets….but whatever right? He then moves to the side so i can approach the register. I’m pissed, so I ask for “one student ticket”, because if i’m going to pay for anyone its only going to be myself (There goes $30). I bought my own DUCK TOUR ticket. I’VE BEEN ON THE DUCK TOUR 3 TIMES WITH SCHOOL, I CAN RECITE THE ENTIRE DAMN SHOW, BUT FINE. The tour itself was alright, I really only went to entertain Jake anyways. Jake laughed at all the stupid jokes the tour guide made. You know, you can tell a lot about someone by their sense of humor.

The whole time so far in this story he was wearing a royal blue T-shirt, he must have had a minimum of 5 royal blue t-shirts packed.

After the tour we quickly went back to my apartment to eat (my food). He chugged a beer because he was “pissed he couldn’t buy one at Fenway because hes under 25” as if I was the one who created the Fenway code of conduct. Once we arrive at Fenway and found our seats the first thing he asked me was “whose idea was it to get a hotel on Thursday?”. –I had made an agreement with my roommates long before Jake arrived that he would get a hotel room at least one night he was there, Jake was fully aware of this before he even came. I told him that I, along with both of my roommates, felt that the best choice would be for him to stay in a hotel one night, out of respect to my roommates and also because hotels can be fun. He told me that $200 was a lot when his rent is $500 a month, and after making me feel guilty (although I didn’t budge) for an hour Jake finally says to me “I will get a hotel room, not for them because I think they are being ridiculous, but for you because I don’t want you to have roommate problems”, I hugged him because I was happy he had finally agreed to this. I still felt uneasy in his presence. I wanted so bad to have an emotional connection with this person but I felt like an unhappy wife on the verge of ordering divorce papers. Fake smiles and enthusiasm, pretending to have some sort of romantic feelings for the man who had traveled the country to prove his love to me.

The Sox were losing big time, meanwhile the Celtics game was about to begin. All my friends were to be at the bar that night, and they were texting me to come watch the game. At this point it was the 6th inning and we had no chance at winning the game. I asked Jake if we could leave in a couple of innings to watch the Celtics play in the playoffs. He didn’t understand why I would want to leave Fenway. It was freezing. I was wearing 3 sweaters. There was a playoff game going on. He did not understand. Jake said “this is probably the only time I’ll ever be at Fenway”; and if he had paid for his ticket, I might have cared.

He tells me how he probably could have gone pro for baseball. He isn’t kidding. I allow his delusions to continue. He tells me it may not be too late for him still. I mean okay….. but you did drop out of a D3 school. ~*Anythings PoSsIBlE*~?

That night we went to a bar with a couple of my friends, Jake ordered a beer and was the first to ask for separate bills. NEVER in my entire life have a met someone this stingy. After the bar we go back to my apartment and drink, I have Sex and the City martini glasses. Naturally he makes himself a mixed drink in the “Miranda” cup. Nobody likes Miranda.

I hated him at this point. I was past the point of denial and defense and have accepted the fact that I think he is the spawn of Satan. I hated him. I had spent the past week searching for redeeming qualities that simply did not exist.

I accidentally knocked over the martini glass. I don’t have shoes on so I’m not going to pick up the pieces. I asked Jake to please clean it up as I clean the dishes….Okay and I accused him of knocking it over. When he refuses I storm into my room, leaving the Miranda glass to sit on the floor. A few minutes later, as i’m pretending to sleep, Jake comes into my room. I ask him if he had cleaned up the glass.. when he says that he hasn’t I ask him “why?”… he tells me because I didn’t ask nicely. I say “please Jake” and he tells me I’m closer, I say “Please Jake, Babe will you clean up the glass even though I knocked it over?” he goes back into the kitchen to clean it up, I play dead to avoid him for the rest of the night. There are things that must be done.

I wake up the next morning before Jake does, I have work at 2 pm. Jake knew going into his trip that I would have to work for a couple of days while he was there. He also knew that he wasn’t allowed in my apartment without me and would have to explore the city while I was out. I get up early so I can spend time with my roommates. Jake had gotten on my last nerve and I simply couldn’t stand him anymore. I now understand why wives put rat poison in their husband’s gatorade- don’t you dare tell me to make you a sandwich bitch.

My roommate Nicole asks Jake what he plans on doing while i’m at work, “just hanging out here I guess”. I can feel my face fill with blood, Meg’s eyes are glaring at me. I told him he couldn’t stay here. He tells us he’s going to take a nap. I remind him that when he returns from sleeping he must leave the apartment. He doesn’t take much I say seriously.

I leave for work and remind him that today he would be exploring the city, I list for him a few places to vistit- the North End, Harvard Square, The commons- all places he will find enjoyable with or without me. Not that I cared, I really just wanted to get him out of my apartment.

My friends planned to come up that night to visit, we planned on going to a nightclub my city friends and I regular. They all wanted to meet Jake, and checkout my apartment. They had been listening to me talk about him for 3 years, he’s a celebrity in my stories, my “future husband”.

I let loose at work, I tell my co-workers about how much I hate him and cannot deal with him much longer. Blakeley and Kathryn, two of my best friends from home, come to visit me at work, and later we hit up California Pizza Kitchen.

After leaving work I ask Jake what he’s doing, he tells me he’s been hanging out in McDonalds for the past couple hours. I cannot possibly understand why anybody would spend time there; doesn’t exactly seem like a lovely place to read a book. I ask him to go get us Vodka, then meet us at CPK. Which is admittedly a “wild goose chase” for someone from Oregon (I didn’t care).

Everytime Jake wanted something it would have the word cheap in front of it:

“I’m hungry, where can I get a CHEAP piece of pizza?”

“I want to get a drink, where can I find a CHEAP beer?”

“You went to Urban Outfitters? I’d be down to go there, I need a few CHEAP new T-Shirts”


I text Jake while at CPK and ask him if he wants anything. He says a “slice of pepperoni would be good”. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN DOESN’T MAKE SLICES EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS. I order him a kids pepperoni. He orders a water, obviously. He’s the first to ask for separate checks.

When we return to my apartment he pulls out the vodka. Someone asks how much they owe him, he tells them the total was $60. So I hand him my $20. “The rest is good, its a thank you for letting me stay in your apartment”, Jake says to my roommates, o_O oh.

A few minutes later he pulls me aside. “That was mostly because I don’t plan on getting a hotel room tomorrow” Jake tells me of his gesture….. I tell him getting a hotel isn’t a choice. He says we will talk in the morning. This isn’t exactly up for discussion. I actually hate this man.

We head into cabs and I purposely go in a different cab then him, in part because I hate him and in part because I knew he wouldn’t pitch in. I was later told by my friends who were in the cab with him that he didn’t pay but instead said “I paid for the alcohol” and got out of the cab (The cab cost $5).

I consider myself a relatively enthusiastic and optimistic person. However, I hated his guy, I TRULY HATED HIM. And since I was at the club, and having an anxiety attack, I needed to drink. Since I wasn’t going to get drinks from him I was fortunate enough to meet a really cool guy that was buying my friends and I shots. I spent the entire night hanging out with this guy and spent nearly none of it with Jake. I know he was my guest but I truly couldn’t stomach being in his presence.

I made him sleep on the floor in my living room so my friends could all sleep in my bed, obviously.

The next morning I wake up to see him sleeping on my kitchen floor. I direct him to go sleep in my bed as I make breakfast. As much as I want to say my reasoning was pity for him, it was actually because he was in my way of making breakfast and complaining about him (I never said I was a good person).

At this point I truly cannot stand looking at Jake. I went from losing attraction to him to losing control of my gag reflex every time he walked in the room  (I never said I was a good person).

This was day 2/2 of my work week. Jake knew this, and he obviously knew what he was expect to do in this time. All along his responsibility was to find a hotel for that night, and explore the city as he neglected to do thus far. He planned on sleeping  all day, of course.

On my way to work (at 1pm) my mom calls me to tell me that in order to go to a funeral I was attending the next morning back at home, it would be best for me to go home that night. I didn’t want to leave Boston that night, and I didn’t think it was needed because I would definitely be able to be in Marshfield in time. However, I saw this as possibly the best way to get my visitor out of my apartment and into a hotel room. Alone.

I text Jake: excuse my grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

It had to be done.

he responds: “k” and I thank him.

Around 6:45 I’m at work and I assume he has done nothing about the fact that I asked him to get a hotel room, despite the horrible circumstance I was clearly in. I text him again…

Yes, Jake had the nerve to tell me that he thought he should stay in my apartment even without me there.

Needless to say I had some held up anger.

Good news is I searched my room and can’t figure out what he stole. He was clearly not smart enough to steal anything of value.

Lesson learned boys and girls, not only do I now not believe in “soul mates” but I have also learned it is never a good idea to trust your past self’s judgement when you were still wearing flared jeans tucked into “uggs” at the time of the event (winter ’09 no judgement).

…. and its never ok to let a stranger come visit from across the country.

I have no idea what Jake did between these text messages and his flight  (which was 24 hours later). I have no idea if he even got on that flight. Luckily, I have a feeling he’s more “cheap” then crazy, and wouldn’t miss his flight for the world! Otherwise- he’d have to pay for another one.

The End. I sincerely hope.

More about Mackenzie Newcomb

  • Sonia

    holy shit i feel soooooooooooo bad for you!! thank god your ok.

    “That night we went to a bar with a couple of my friends, Jake ordered a beer and was the first to ask for separate bills. NEVER in my entire life have a met someone this stingy. After the bar we go back to my apartment and drink, I have Sex and the City martini glasses. Naturally he makes himself a mixed drink in the “Miranda” cup. Nobody likes Miranda.”

  • Dave

    A great work of comedy! Your voice so perfectly captures the whiney self-importance of America’s youth. I love what you did with the Jake character, especially with respect to the ignorance of the speaker to his obvious financial burdens. Moreover, the commentary on the distracting power of sex, specifically the idea that the speaker can overlook the myriad of character flaws so brilliantly built in to Jake because of her attraction, is, at least within my experience, beautifully typical and masterfully crafted. To cut to its core, this feels so real. You have an amazing way of making the reader truly despise both characters such that they are left with nothing but judgement and, if they think long enough, eventual reflection. I look forward to reading your later work, and I hope that you continue to develop these characters in a way that fully exploits their own stupidity in more awesome comedy.

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  • Andy

    Ohhh Mckenzie ,
    After reading your story, I felt like sending you $1000, celtics and red sox tickets.
    I also have to give you a big compliment on your skills on writing this story.
    You did a great job in that, sad story though. I hope that looser gets std soon.

  • Christine

    Oh my god. I truly truly enjoyed reading this just as much as I did your last post. What a crazy, cheap dude. I’m sorry you had to put up with that Mackenzie. But your life makes for excellent blog posts haha.

  • Pingback: What makes a love story? | Sparkles & Secrets()

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