My strongest feelings are for those I have hurt, and have let it be known to me. I need to be put “in my place”. My freshman year of college I became instantly close with a guy who was previously friends with my roommate. What was first just a friendship quickly became more than that (a result of smirnoff and themed parties). I have always been open about my strange and twisted ability to see my life from an “out of body” perspective. I had just begun my freshman year of college and couldn’t commit to a nail polish color much less a boy. For some reason this particular boy found my cold-ness endearing and continued to waste his time trying to win over my heart of stone.
I got a job doing promotion for a Halloween party at a hotel in Boston. I spent the day searching for combat boots to wear with my “Bruin’s Ice Girl” costume. I wanted to put the skate laces I had bought in the holes of the combat boots to look like hockey skates. I thought I was beyond brilliant. I had just started seeing the boy mentioned above a few weeks prior to the event, after a strictly platonic relationship, a relationship I surprisingly missed a great deal. Most girls wish for their “best guy friend” to fall for them. I, however, wished I could reverse it.
I refused to refer to him as anything but my friend. So although we took “coupley” pictures I was still not thrilled with him being at the party. He prevented me from flirting and being reassured that I was hot by other guys. So when he told me he was going to leave the party because he felt sick, I put up a brief argument before letting him go and sighing with relief.
I let myself rub up against other guys and dance with my girlfriends. I used my fake ID to get a wrist band and buy alcohol for myself and my friends. I chugged a few gin and tonics so that I could continue with the nights festivities painlessly.
A friend of mine from home also attends school in Boston. One of her school friend’s boyfriend was an important promoter of the event. They had a hotel room filled with alcohol and attractive men. A girl I came with and myself went up to their hotel room only to be greeted with Grey Goose and cranberry juice. As a result of us being mostly naked, the men in the room acted like animals. My friend and I decided to play the lesbian card. Unfortunately, some men don’t register the blow off and take the line as more of an invitation to a king-sized bed.
I don’t understand why it was snowing that night. Of all the snowstorms I can remember the one on Halloween was probably the most unusual. Mel and I spent nearly an hour trying to catch a cab. In the cab she tells me her life story, I obviously forget the entirety of her story because I mixed alcohol with marijuana, a sure blackout for myself.
Back at the dorms I’m eating a “soup at hand” on my bathroom floor. My eyes are halfway open when I answer a phone call from an old hookup from home, I don’t remember the conversation I just remember there was a conversation when I heard a knock on my door. I hung up the phone without notice as I noticed the person on the other side. It was the boy that left me at the party.
“What are you doing here” I asked, pretending to be mad about the activity from earlier that night. He responded with a kiss and my stomach sunk a little bit. Still, I was happy to have a companion on a night like this. I let him crawl into bed with me. As much as I didn’t want to date this boy I trusted him, as I never felt pressured to sleep with him.
I’m about to pass out when “so what are we?” spills out of his mouth. My entire body goes tense. “Leave.” was all I could respond with, he replies angrily but his exact words are a blur, I repeat myself. “Leave”. He jumps off my risen bed and slams the door. I roll over and sleep on my stomach.
Five ways to win my heart:
1. Don’t let me win. Call me out on my wrong doings and don’t take my shit. Understand that I am a scattered person and sometimes need to be put in my place; however, know that I am not a bad person.
2. Suggest books, movies, blogs etc that actually cater to my liking. I’ll appreciate it, and i’ll think of you whenever I think of that particular thing. I’m currently reading a book that was lent to me by a guy. The book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames is written by David Sedaris, an essayist. The book is a series of essays, perfect for my short attention span, and autobiographic, my genre of choice. Although the guy really doesn’t know much about me, he was able to loan me a book that truly caters to my literary preferences.
3. Compliments. I am a girl, tell me i’m pretty smart and intelligent. I’m not going to pretend I don’t want reassurance.
4. Give me my personal space, but don’t leave so much space that I question your intentions. I am not the type to text someone all day every day. I believe in focusing more on the things going on around you as opposed to the day to day events of someone else’s life. That being said, it doesn’t hurt to acknowledge my existence prior to Friday afternoon. I know what you’re looking for in a couple hours.