Drunk Textiquette

November 13, 2012

“Any text after 3 a.m is not just to “chat” it means business”. Everyone knows that in order to succeed in business, you first have to understand your client. Well boys, here’s who you’re working with.

A Guide to the female mind (after 6 vodka tonics):

Guys, you should divide everything we confess in half after 2:15 am:

An “I love you” text from someone you used to hookup with? It really just means she likes you a lot and she’s really upset you broke up with her.

An “I hate you” text means she’s really mad at you, probably because you won’t come over, or respond to her text messages. If she hated you she probably wouldn’t be texting you at all.

A “where are you?”/“WRU?” text shouldn’t ring the crazy bells. She just wants to know where you are so she can make arrangements to hangout with you. Don’t be scared; be flattered!

A late night “Hi” text is an invitation to open Pandora’s box. She either A. wants to talk about whatever issue is on her mind or B. Wants to give you the opportunity to invite her over. Respond with caution.

Don’t confuse this with “Heyy”- which always means lets hangout…

“What are you up to?” is a booty-call. It is always a booty-call. If you’re interested, respond. If you’re not interested, “sorry I was asleep” text it in the morning.

Same with “I want to cuddle”… Please even girls don’t want to lay there and cuddle after 2 am.

“I’m having an after party”: means, “I’m having an after-party so that you’ll come and hopefully stay the night.” Generally you and your friends will be the only ones there. Anyone with a brain would rather go to sleep then throw an after-party that doesn’t eventually result in sex.

“I usually text guys after the party and im like ” it was soo good to see you tonight!” which usually means it was good to see you with clothes on now get over here and take them off” – Kate Harrington Coastal Carolina ‘15

One should always respond to a drunk text:

If you don’t see the text that night because you’re a. sleeping or b. too drunk to function, please note that it is still important to acknowledge it when you DO see it. Your failure to do so will result in the following:

1.)  She will want to jump out a window because she’s so overcome with embarrassment.

2.)  She won’t be able to get the homework assignment because she knows if she texts you her last message will show up in the conversation. The last thing she wants is for you to be reminded of the time two weeks ago when she texted you “hey wanan come ovrer?” at 3 am on a Saturday morning.

3.)  She will probably delete your number, to prevent further embarrassment for herself (ex: “I hate you” texts the following weekend).

However, don’t respond to a drunk text if you are sober.

If you’re not DTF or looking for a deep conversation about her feelings you should wait to respond until morning and send a “sorry my phone died” text. Otherwise….

1.)  You’ll get all the details on her past relationship failures and how they relate to what the two of you have currently.

2.)  You’ll be forced to answer the “are you hooking up with someone else??????” question. “Are we exclusive?????”

3.)  You’ll have to live with the guilt of breaking her heart when under the influence of vodka she is OH SO very in love with you.

And don’t immediately respond when….

1.)  You don’t want to meet up. Otherwise her feelings will be hurt and she will be overwhelmingly offended.


How we see what guys say:

Girl: “you should come over or something, lol”

Guy: “I was just about to fall asleep!”

What this means: He thinks you’re a cow, is disgusted at the idea of hooking up with you. Has no interest in you what-so-ever, worst personality, stupid, immature, and worst of all – unlovable.

Side note: If a girl facebook chats you at 3 am on a Saturday,yes she is probably home, but no she wasn’t there all night. FB chats are just as dangerous as texts and should be treated the same way.

If your ex- girlfriend texts you late into the night…

And she hasn’t “liked” one of your facebook pics or made any effort to communicate with you for a substantial amount of time: She wasn’t getting a sufficient amount of attention at the party she was at that night and wants someone to reassure her she’s lovable.

She’s sent subtle cues recently (a “poke” a few status “likes”): She hasn’t been receiving a sufficient amount of attention at all lately and is looking for someone to reassure her she’s lovable.

Decoding of a girl’s text: (image found on google)

It was clear that the message sender here was looking to meet up with the receiver in the moment, but felt the need to immediately release her emotions before awaiting a response. I suppose if you’re going to drop the “i love you” you may as well explain yourself completely. If they only sent a simple “I love you” it could have been A. one of their friends messing with them or b. the girl is trying to appear mysterious and romantic but in reality is an absolutely psychotic attention whore. Frantic and explained ” i love you”s are a little more serious, don’t fear this girl, feel bad for her! Clearly she’s head over heels for your ass and treat her like a lovable puppy and try your hardest to let her down easy! Ignoring this girl is morally wrong, unless you have a restraining order.

Hopefully this article has given you enough insight on the female mind to proceed and react with caution the next time your phone vibrates at 3 am 🙂

Contributions by Mackenzie Newcomb and Nicole Johnson

More about Mackenzie Newcomb

  • Bronson

    Published at 4:03 am? Are you planning a follow up on drunk blogging etiquette

  • Bronson

    What about drunk pics? Nudes? Half nudes? Quarter nudes? Bathroom stall nudes?

  • hilarious! so true! love your posts. so so much.

  • AYO

    What about..”I’m so drunk..Why aren’t you taking care of me”

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