We’re living in a society where we split our time between the physical and virtual worlds. That being said, when looking for future mates/dates, we’re going to turn to social media to learn about our prospects. Guys, this is what she really thinks about your online habits.

Facebook.

Over-sharing: A guy who gives the world a play-by-play of his daily activities and “clever thoughts” is an over-sharer. Not only do they think their opinions are of the highest level of importance, but they turn to FB because they have nobody else to tell. If people are tired of listening to you, we probably don’t want to volunteer ourselves.

Under-socializing: As much as we hate to admit it, we are all addicted to our phones. Most of us check our social media accounts countless times a day. If nobody has posted on his wall since early ’13, thats a little peculiar. Not everybody is obsessed with social networking, but everyone is on it.

The Sports Reporter: If I wanted to watch the game, I’d watch the game. If I wanted to watch the game, but was unable to for whatever reason, I would check ESPN (not your profile.)

The News Reporter: There are two things we don’t talk about in public: politics and religion (or so we were told growing up.) Now that everyone considers themselves a public figure on the internet, people have no shame sharing their beliefs with others. If I truly respect someone’s opinion, I might read their post. If I am confident they summarized an article they read on Huffington Post, I’ll write them off as an idiot.

*people who think the Onion is a credible news source. 

The Guy Who Hasn’t Discovered Google: This bro reaches out to his Facebook friends for suggestions on everything. Yelp, Google, Trip Advisor, all much more reliable sources than your high school classmate that comments on everyone’s shit.

Photos: 

• If his profile picture was at one point a professional athlete he’s a tool, or he’s a professional athlete.
• If his profile picture was at one point a car he’s a materialistic tool. *solo car pic*
• If his profile picture was at one point at Hooters, post 10th grade, he’s a tool.
• If he’s wearing a tapout shirt in any of his pictures, he thinks he’s tough (and likely isn’t.)
• If his profile picture was at one point a shirtless mirror-pic, you’re a tool for being interested in him. Sure its sexy to have a ripped bod, but everyone is on Facebook. Your aunt doesn’t want to see your abs, Adonis. Join Tinder.
• If his most recent picture was at prom, nobody has taken a picture with him since prom… which is sketchy. What has he been doing all this time? How hasn’t he been tagged in a photo at the corner of a college party?

The guy who doesn’t have Facebook at all: Do you think that makes you cool? What if somebody who didn’t have your number had to contact you? What are you hiding? Why do you have no respect for my creeping rights?

Twitter.

As long as you aren’t re-tweeting “ass of the day,” and your tweets show some signs of intellect, you’re in the clear. A clever tweet is a lot more impressive than a long list of replies.

• If you use your account strictly for complaining about how much your life sucks, you probably suck.
• If you tweet about things going on at the gym, everyone knows your just trying to subtly let everyone know you’re working out. Fooling nobody.
• A clever hangover tweet every once in a while can be funny. Constantly tweeting about your partying habits comes across pretty childish.

Instagram.

• If he uses Kelvin as a filter he’s a straight up weirdo.
• If he can’t seem to make that 11 like mark on any photos. Not to sound image obsessed (ha..ha), but everyone is on Instagram. Even guys who have shitty pictures and no artistic vision manage to rake in the Instalove. If nobody is looking at his Insta, (and he isn’t too old for insta) people probably aren’t interested in his life. Humans are naturally curious, translate that to 2014 lingo and basically what I’m saying is we follow a lot of people Instagram to creep on their lives– even if we aren’t close friends. Unless he never uses Insta (which is rare,) there should be some activity on there.
• If the only people that like your photos are girls, why don’t you have any guy friends? You’re probably a Tinder whore. If the only people that like your photos are guys, you’re probably too much of a bro.
• He takes pictures of his homemade food that isn’t garnished and looks pretty unappetizing, he’s a tool.
• His #WCW is some bimbo with fake errythang? Gross.

Snapchat

• If all their “best friends” are girls, monogamy probably isn’t his strong suit.
• If all their “best friends” are guys, they’re definitely FTB.
• The length of someone’s snap story shows how much of their life they feel is worth documenting. If you’re on vacation, the length of your story isn’t a big deal. If its a casual tuesday and you’re story is 200 seconds long, you’re a tool.