Hey, what’s up, hello!! This past week I went on a vacation so ballin’ that I’m struggling to find the right words to describe it. As her graduation gift, my friend Chelsea‘s parents let her invite some of her closest friends on their beautiful yacht for a week long trip; starting in Miami (where the boat is docked) and traveling to two different islands in the Bahamas. (THANK YOU LANE AND LETTY IT WAS AWESOME.) If you can’t handle FOMO, close the tab. If you’ve already survived a week of following me on Instagram and Snapchat (mtnewcomb), you may as well keep going.
*Cue the music*
I could write poetry about the baked brie our chef Gino made us for happy hour, or sing songs about the tropical cocktails our stewardess Stacey made us (without using simple syrup!) I discovered that it is possible to be sexually attracted to a lamb shank, and that there is actually such a thing as being too full to continue eating– despite the heart’s desire for the flowerless chocolate cake in front of you.
The biggest challenge I faced for a week was trying to keep myself on the tube, while Chelsea drove far beyond a reasonable speed on the jet ski. Nicole endured a little more turbulence when trying to enter the Bahamas without a passport. Long story short: it worked out because Captain Craig/Chelsea’s Dad pulled some baller move.
We went days without wi-fi, and life was actually better… Selin and I, who had spent very minimal time together previously, read magazines together and had lengthy discussions about shoes/bags/brands/bloggers/designers– FashionGirl heaven. We played hours upon hours of Cards Against Humanity; which reassured us that Chelsea is indeed the twisted perv of the group.
In Bimini we went snorkeling, took sexy beach photos of each other, and ate conch salad with the local people. At night we went to the casino. The first night I won $170 playing blackjack. The second night I lost all my earnings while playing next to a women who I am certain was the Octomom; wearing no less than 1mil in diamonds and carried a Birkin. Her name was Leanne and she told me I was pretty and nice (which I took as a major compliment seeing as she looked like she had just completed the Kylie Jenner lip challenge.) That night Nicole won $250 playing roulette with chef Gino and cleared the $30 gambling debt I owed our first mate Joe. Nikki‘s a good friend.
Our second destination was Cat Cay, a private island that only 40 people lived on total. Jimmy Buffet owns a handful of homes there, as do a few other big-names (many names were dropped, but I can’t confirm them so I won’t repeat them!) In Cat Cay I learned that turtles are surprisingly fast swimmers, and had the opportunity to get up-close and personal with several sharks circling our boat. Gino made a seafood platter I’m certain i’ll never forget (even Amanda liked it), and we went hunting for sand dollars. Night #1 at Cat Cay was reserved for board games. I was exceptionally drunk, especially considering we were playing Taboo– which is not a drinking game. Awesome/ridiculous/disturbing secrets were shared, mostly by my babe Jasmine, and vodka was immaculately disguised as iced tea.
Night #2 (at Cat Cay) began with a man coming up to our boat looking for his missing electronic plane that he had flown over near us. We noticed he had a joint, and asked if he wanted to share some pot with us. He said we should come to his boat “Houdini” and join his friends, but first grab some piña coladas. Naturally we followed him. He told us something about waking up one morning and deciding to be an actor. We had never heard of him; but according to the people who worked on the island he’s on a Showtime series. He and his friends were very cool about letting us leave when it was time for dinner, and agreed to meet up with us later on. That night we ate Alaskan snow crab, mini prime ribs, and potatoes in a garlic butter I’d swim in right now if I could. Never forget 6.15.15 <3
Many of these photos were stolen with permission from Jasmine’s Instagram.
A few hours later Enrique sent his lawyer friend to come get us. Everyone on the island goes to the same bar, because there is only one bar to choose from. Luckily for us, a women who works on the island was celebrating her birthday so all the alcohol was free at the bar! Unfortunately, the only beverage offered was ginger ale and dark rum. The drink prepared for me was 3/4 rum and 1/4 ginger ale. [The rest of the night is blurry] Went to an afterparty on Houdini, Nicole and Enrique wrote a song about his ex girlfriend that is far too politically incorrect for me to share on my blog. Dzentia spent the better half of the night dodging the advances of the lawyer friend, and the musician friend was seduced by whom I thought was his hot Venezuelan girlfriend, but who turned out to be their insane stewardess who just hates doing her job. (I found out all this extra info from Chels, Amanda, Jasmine, Leah, and Selin who made besties with the locals.) Eventually I had to excuse myself because I was rocking even though the boat wasn’t. This was my fault for smoking American spirits even though I am well aware of the fact that drunk ciggs make me vom.
Even though I missed the last sunrise (and every sunrise ever), I made it up the next morning for a quick snorkel sesh before returning to Miami. The ocean truly is the ultimate hangover cure.
We didn’t want to get too cray our last night in Miami because…. well we don’t really like clubbing… and the next day some *unknown rapper* was shooting a music video on the boat. Instead, we spent our last night playing Pangea AKA the best drinking game ever (s/o to my NZ crew). If you’ve never played Pangea, I strongly suggest you bring it your next pregame. Also– I will send videos of Nicole eating a huge piece of red velvet cake with no hands upon request. I fell asleep covered in freshly applied sunscreen with sharpie all over my face, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Music video shoot: turns out said “unknown” rapper actually has about 2 million listens on this song we were filming on sound cloud. They brought in a camera crew from College Weekly and a ton of chicks with dope bodies…. not ideal for those of us who had spent the past week consuming a minimum of 3,000 calories daily (no exaggeration.) We got drunk off mimosas to help sooth the awkward and left for the airport with sticky hair from getting champagne showered.
“We been long time friends, me and Ben Frank
Every fucking day he needs a ride home from the bank”
Pics or it didn’t happen:
