I am no expert on manners. I am not a Duchess. I don’t rub elbows with Lords and Ladies. My family doesn’t hold a “high tea” fit for a queen, even though we certainly do guzzle the magical liquid down in enormous quantities (tea solves everything, but that is a story for another day). I didn’t go to cotillion to fine tune my etiquette and learn the fox trot. Luckily, my parents simply raised me correctly, instilling proper conduct and manners in my brother and I that now come as second nature. With each year that goes by, I am realizing that many people weren’t so lucky and were not taught to mind their manners. Or perhaps they lost them? Regardless, more and more I find myself thinking “were they raised by wolves?” which makes me feel like I am turning into a “Get off my lawn!” type woman. I’m too young to be a “get off my lawn!” woman! Please help me go back to being a normal 20-something who doesn’t have to worry about others’ demeanors by following the basic etiquette guidelines that I am going to drop on you. I am not here to tell you how you must put your napkin on your lap while dining, chew with your mouth closed, and spoon your soup away from you, because you already knew that. (But if you didn’t, dear GOD go sign up for cotillion, probably). My job is to remind you how to be a decent person mixed with a healthy dose of my personal pet peeves.

Always Write Thank-You Notes

Thank-you notes are the difference between a civilized human being and an animal. There is nothing classier than a handwritten note on nice stationary when the occasion calls for it, and being so rare these days, you will stand out that much more by sending one. Had a party? Thank your guests for coming. Job interview? Thank the boss for their time and consideration. Received a gift? A thoughtful note that only takes minutes of your day will beat out a text message every time.  I am a huge fan of sending personal notes, and I have never met someone who disliked receiving a letter in the mail. Plus, the US Postal Service is up there with bumble bees on the endangered species list, so let’s help them out a bit, too.

While we’re on the topic of thank you’s, I’ve noticed recently that many people are ‘forgetting’ to say thank you for small acts of kindness that others do for them such as holding the door, letting them turn in an intersection while driving, saying “bless you”, etc. The phrase “excuse me” must be on a hiatus as well. Maybe it’s because I live in cold Boston, home of the chips on shoulders and aggressive accents, but gratitude is disappearing. Here’s a little rule of thumb to follow: If someone goes out of their way to do something nice, please acknowledge it!

Split the Bill

Here’s a short and easy one: Unless you timidly nibbled on a side salad while your friend or partner dined like a king with filet mignon and lobster tails at Smith & Wollensky, SPLIT THE BILL. I work in a restaurant and the amount of people who will ask for separate checks just so they don’t have to pay an extra $3 for Becky’s lemonade is astounding. If you are out to share a meal with someone, you probably have a relatively close relationship to them. It’s almost disrespectful, not to mention stingy, that you wouldn’t dare pay a little extra just so that everyone’s lives could be a little easier.  Maybe you had the inexpensive meal today, but next time you could be on the opposite end- it all evens out eventually. If one person generously picks up the tab, at least offer to cover the tip as a gesture of thanks.

Know your audience

The two things that I was taught were rude discuss in public: money and politics. The two things that everyone has spoken freely about this year: money and politics. Times have changed now, and certain topics are less taboo to discuss than they once were. Political conversation is certainly encouraged. You should be able to talk to your close friends about Trump’s policies. You should NOT chime in on a random Facebook friend’s status and incorporate yourself in a full-on war with strangers hiding behind their screens. Unless it is Festivus season, do not air your grievances for the world to see on Zuckerberg’s social media platform. Fully developed opinions? Fine. I want to see cute pictures of my little cousins on Facebook, not my aunts and uncles telling each other to “shut up” after one Trump-related status update turned a little bit too hostile. Know your audience for money discussions, too. If your friends and you are whining about how poor you are and how student loans are hitting hard, fine. But if you’re around people who you don’t know well and who could be way worse off than you, you will sound pretty silly complaining how you can’t afford Soul Cycle while they can’t afford to eat anything but pasta with butter that week.

One thing that won’t fly with any audience except for maybe your therapist or tarot-card reader? Dreams. Dreams are, in my humble opinion, an unbearable topic of conversation for adults because, just as a reminder, they didn’t happen!

Don’t show up empty handed

This might seem obvious, and I know most of you would rather die before showing up to something as pronounced as a birthday party without a gift, but sometimes as young adults we forget that small gestures can mean a lot. Going to a friends house to watch a movie? Bring a bottle of wine or a snack. Seeing your friend’s apartment for the first time? Pick up a nice candle or bottle of bubbly on the way over. Going to watch a friend’s performance or something of that nature? Grab some flowers to give them. People remember these things and will think very highly of your thoughtfulness.

Don’t be late

Everyone runs a little late sometimes, and that’s understandable. I’m not talking about the people that are late sometimes. I’m talking about those who are habitually late all the time, becoming a nuisance and burden to everyone waiting on them. It is simply inconsiderate and selfish. It’s also become a habit to text that you are running late when you are already late, meaning you will be even tardier! Late because you didn’t want to come? Be like my roommate- don’t make plans to begin with and just stay home with your cat.

Honorable mention to those who take the elevator to the second floor, tacking on a very long and annoying few minutes to the journey up.

WIcked bad grammar

Ahh Boston, home of exaggerated Mark Wahlberg-esque accents and fattening clam chowder (Can you tell through my bitterness that I am ready to move away now?!) Did you know that every time someone says “Pahk the cah in Havahd Yahd” a Harvard professor drops dead? Anyway, speak with a local and the notorious word “wicked” may weave it’s way into the conversation, having nothing to do with anything evil, unpleasant, or morally wrong, as the word is defined. They’ll say “The drinks there are wicked good” or “Copley is wicked crowded” or “Bill Burr is wicked funny.” Fine. Admittedly, even I will occasionally let it slip out in conversation once in a blue moon. Gasp! Whatever. But never, EVER, put that in writing form or you will lose every ounce of respect from others. Don’t write it in a text message. Don’t describe your recipe as being “wicked good” in a blog. Don’t tweet it or Instagram caption it. No sentence or paragraph has done you dirty enough to deserve such poor grammar in them. There is a difference between local dialect and pen-to-paper writing, and you should know this. Why is this part of a manners/ etiquette blog, you may ask? Because it is polite of you to consider keeping us from rolling our eyes so far into the backs of our heads that it stings when we read your writing!

*End rant*

I hope these guidelines find you -and the people who have to deal with you- well! Now, when someone figures out where we stand on kissing cheeks while hugging hello or goodbye, please let me know, because things are getting super awkward.