When asked my spirit animal, I playfully say that I identify as a sloth; because I’m cute, lazy and most people like me. The thing is, I really like myself. My life is pretty amazing. Everything is in line; from my job to my boyfriend. As a blogger, I’m required to be an oversharer. So you probably already knew this. However, one thing that i’ve remained a little reluctant to share on social media is my workout regime. Don’t worry, i’m not going to morph into a fitstagrammer.
It’s no secret that our society has unattainable beauty standards. While I am not immune to them, I never felt like I wasn’t attractive. However, going up two pant sizes post-peak party years wasn’t my goal. Aren’t you supposed to lose weight when you stop excessively drinking? It’s 2018 and I know my value goes beyond my waist measurement, but I’m allowed to care about my energy levels, my immune system and my gut. I’m writing this not to make you question your own habits, but because I’ve made a life change and I want to share it with my readers. Do you, but here is a story about me doing me.
By the end of 2017 I started to really notice how much my body had changed– and not in a good way. I didn’t need a scale to tell me that I had gained a lot of weight. I can’t tell you the exact amount, because I hadn’t stepped on a scale in years. What I can tell you is my size 6 jeans did not button– not even close. I was ordering 2 sizes up from my standard size. My complexion was dull. I was experiencing unbearable stomach pain. Things had gotten bad. I looked bad.
what went wrong.
A few things contributed to my weight gain. For one, I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Together we are perfectly content to sit on the couch and do nothing. The gym I signed up for when moving to New York was a little too far away from my apartment. The classes were always filled weeks in advance. Ben and I failed to go. Unfortunately, we were both successful enablers. We weren’t eating sh*t every night, but our portions were out of control. Like many couples, we were comfortable. Tale as old as time.
Of course, I can’t blame my relationship for everything. Historically I am not known to be strong, fast, balanced or competitive. Growing up I tried every sport, and I was very bad at all of them. Still, I am not immune to society’s beauty standards. I went to the gym to stay thin. This was made dramatically easier when I was prescribed to adderall at 18. For those of you who have taken adderall, you know the drug is synonymous with adrenaline. My appetite diminished. At the time I was already the skinniest I had ever been, due to irregular eating and low self-esteem. The months leading up to being diagnosed with ADHD I had been surviving on Lean Cuisines and steamed vegetables. I used to snack on 10 calorie rice cakes and seaweed crisps in order to curb my appetite. Adderall gave me unlimited energy to workout. In the summer of 2011 I would spend 2 hours a day on the elliptical. I needed to be hot for freshman year, and for me that meant as skinny as possible. More specifically, I told myself I wanted to lose the freshman 15 in advance.
Throughout college I was able to maintain my weight. I stayed in the size 4-6 range by taking adderall, drinking coffee, and eating very little. I didn’t think of my eating habits as abnormal; as all my friends were doing the same thing. Technically I was taking adderall to cope with my ADHD, but the weight loss was a welcome side effect. I could overlook the fact that I was overridden with anxiety, because I was extremely productive and looked “good”– despite the permanent dark circles under my eyes. To be honest, I just thought this was normal.
A few months after graduating I landed my first “real job” in NYC. I was working a job I hated at a startup that required all of my time and energy. Despite the fact that I was living with my boyfriend, who had expressed that he preferred me off of adderall, it wasn’t an option at the time. If I weren’t taking it I would feel drowsy and apathetic. My body was so used to taking adderall that I couldn’t function in the workplace without it. If for some reason I forgot to take my prescription, I would just drink an alarming amount of espresso over the course of the day. Usually I combined the two.
Then, something amazing happened. I landed my current job at Petrossian. My commute was cut in half, and I was working ~15 hours less each week. The pace was much slower. It was completely unnecessary for me to take adderall everyday. For five years I had relied on adderall to get me through life, despite hating the way it made me feel. I could finally get off of it. Praise the lord! No more anxiety. No more dry mouth. My appetite was making a comeback! Ben and I had time to cook together. My bedtime became 10:30 pm. I could function without adderall without being disoriented. I became lazier about updating my blog. I had no energy to go to the gym. Instead of being on-the-go 24/7 I evolved into a lethargic person. I gained a lot of weight. I went from someone who would rarely have to wear a size bigger than a medium, to someone who would often leave boutiques empty handed, because nothing fit.
So, now we’re back at the beginning. I’m the largest I’ve ever been. My double chin has become increasingly noticeable. My arms look fat in every photo. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bikini. There is a good chance you didn’t notice. When I was on adderall and eating abnormally, I was never “too skinny.” When I spiraled in the opposite direction, I was never definitively fat. On Instagram, I probably look the same. Over the years I’ve become an expert at posing. I’m not ashamed to use a little blur brush. I’m here for the overdue body positivity movement– but I couldn’t be positive about the body I had neglected to take care of for years.
WHAT CHANGED.
This winter my favorite cousin Melissa was planning a visit to New York and wanted to take a Rumble class in early February. If you aren’t familiar with Rumble, it’s basically the Soul Cycle of boxing. It’s fun, intense, and it’s espensiiiiive. I hadn’t worked out in 6 months, and I didn’t want to make a fool out my myself. So, I decided to see if Groupon had any boxing classes I could attend in the meantime. I found a studio called ILoveKickboxing that was right by my apartment, where I went in for my first class on January 26th.
At first I was out of my element. As you know, I’ve never identified as an athletic person. I had no idea how to punch or kick the bag properly to ensure I wouldn’t hurt myself. I even struggled learning how to use hand-wraps. So much of working out properly involves using the correct form– and all of that was a complete mystery to me. Additionally, the workouts were brutal. I wouldn’t be able to walk properly for a few days after taking a class. Considering how alarmingly out of shape I was, I could only workout 2-3 days a week in the beginning. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to lift my legs to kick the bag.
By March, after about a month and a half of leaning in to kickboxing, I started to feel the results. I didn’t see much of a difference in the mirror, but I felt it in my arms when I would do push ups (no longer on my knees!!) I started to resent myself less. I went on a girl’s trip to Miami and didn’t hate how I looked in photos. Making healthy food choices became more natural, as I didn’t want to undo my hard work kickboxing. I started attending class 3-4 days a week, and even begun to make friends at my gym.
In April I participated in a 30 day ab challenge, and begun to commit 4-5 days a week to training. After years of trying and failing to develop a workout routine; the effort and dedication were there. I knew I was traveling to Italy for two weeks earlier this summer, and wanted to set myself up to eat ALL the pasta, without sacrificing all my progress.
At the end of April, one month before our trip, Ben and I decided to try doing Whole 30. If you aren’t familiar with the program, it’s basically a paleo diet that lasts one month. Essentially you can eat vegetables, meat and fruit for a month and nothing else. We modified our diet to allow 5 units of alcohol per week– in order to secure our social lives. Additionally, we allowed ourselves one square of dark chocolate a day, in order to preserve our sanity. We called this “fake whole 30” and it was inspired by Eva Chen. I also continued to drink my beloved Health-Ade kombucha, which is not Whole 30 approved, but is my favorite thing. I Immediately noticed a major shift in my energy levels. As someone who suffers from IBS, acid reflex and lactose intolerance– minimal stomach aches are truly a dream come true.
In May I was inspired to finally replace the batteries in my scale, which had been dead for about two years. I hopped on it expecting to feel a sense of dread immediately upon gazing at the number, but I surprised myself by smiling. I was still ~20 lbs heavier than when I left to study abroad five years ago, but I was ~15 lbs lighter than I was when I saw a doctor the previous summer. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and that a number on a scale does not define me. I’ve come a very long way from associating an empty stomach with self discipline, taking adderall knowing it would make me eat less. This time I’m not starving myself to fit into a Halloween costume. Instead I’m on a mission to make sure that I’m always full– usually with an RX bar or plantain chips with salsa.
Over the course of the summer I added some variety to my workout routine. No longer afraid of boujee classes full of skinny bitches, I begun taking yoga classes at Y7 with my work-wife Danica. I followed one of my kickboxing instructors to Broadway Bodies, where they teach dance choreography classes (i’m a late in life dancer y’all.) This weekend I plan on going to an Aqua Cycling class with my sister! Instead of spending my quality time with friends at happy hour, I suggest a workout class and Sweet Green salads (which are DELICIOUS.) I’ve successfully adjusted my social life to fit my new lifestyle.
As someone who has had irregular eating habits and amateur eating disorders on and off for the last 8 years, I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my weight. I managed to stay within my personal range of “skinny” throughout college because of an adderall prescription and a near-empty bank account. Post-grad I met the love of my life and spiraled into a two and a half year binge on romance and home cooked meals. I was blissfully lazy and happy until my boyfriend and I both realized that we were not currently dating the physical person we fell in love with. It took several unsuccessful attempts at joining the fitfam before we discovered our kickboxing gym and truly decided to change our lives. Though our lives consist of significantly less Thai food, we are both looking and feeling the best we have in years.
This post isn’t meant to inspire you. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m taking my time on my fitness journey. I don’t have any before and after photos to share with you. My pants are getting looser, my energy is higher and both my boyfriend and I look the hottest we have in years. I look in the mirror and for the first time in my life I am proud of what I see. I’m slowly, but deliberately changing my lifestyle– one roundhouse at a time.
P.S If you sign up for ILKB — please use my full name “Mackenzie Newcomb” for a referral– i’ll get a free month 🙂
