A few months ago I found myself blindsided and heartbroken. Years had gone by since someone had truly hurt me. Things hadn’t felt right in a few weeks, but before that everything was blissful. He was perfect as far as I was concerned, as far as my friends knew, and as far as my heart trusted. He led me to believe that I was the one he imagined a future with. We were distant in physicality (proximity, not attraction) but seemed to be on the same page in every other aspect of our relationship. With the exception, of course, that we weren’t in one at all. We met while we both lived in Boston, and he insisted he wanted to move back in order to be with me. This didn’t stop me from seeing other people. Still, seeing a photo of him with another (very attractive) girl with the caption “my life” felt like a dagger to my heart. I reminded myself that I had no ‘right’ to be mad. My relationship with this guy hadn’t halted my sexual expeditions. Justification doesn’t ease pain.
Those in relationships are the minority, not the majority. The rest of us have our back burners, side-burners, back-side-burners, and those in queue for a burner. We have Tinder, Ok!Cupid, Sugardaddy.com, bars, backup plans, and hometown booty-calls. When someone fails to meet our expectations, there is another person to take their place. Because we are always waiting for the ‘next best thing’, we focus only on the flaws of those we choose not to be with, as opposed to comparing their level of imperfection to ours. The promise of what ‘could be’ is more attractive than what is. This potential is simply an illusion. Commitment means compromise. Still, you don’t want to lower your expectations or date a pushover. We don’t want to be with someone with conflicting values, nor someone agreeable and predictable. We don’t want someone of inferior looks, but we also don’t want society to question why someone ‘out of our league’ is dating us. We want to find someone intellectually stimulating and successful, but not somebody that talks down. You’ll only find the entire package if you, too, are the entire package.
If your text is ignored there is always a Tinder match ready to counteract your insecurities with compliments. Any damage done by one can be cured with the kiss of another. When one person forces you to question your worth, your high-school fuck buddy responds to your texts at 2 a.m. to remind you that you’re hard to forget. We are dispensable to one another. We know that if we let ourselves fall deeply for someone and quit the mind games we’re bound to lose our romantic interest’s attention– after all, nobody has ever won a game they forfeited. So, in order to keep our confidence at a stable level, we have many flings going at once. Life is a real-life version of the Bachelor; except we are sparse with our text-messages, not roses. Unless, of course, you’re dating your high school sweetheart.
Many of us fear that if we aren’t in a serious relationship in college then we will miss out on the educational experience. It isn’t as though the actual logistics of monogamy are appealing, it’s that we don’t want to be be classified as ‘undateable.’ We’re afraid of commitment, we’re afraid of being hurt, but more than anything we’re afraid that we’ll be alone forever. Is monogamy a thing of the past? Are options a bad thing, or does access to many different people allow us to be more selective with our end-all be-all?
