To my former lover,

I hope that you spend the rest of your life in good company, surrounded by people who care about you. I know someday you’ll have a wife and children. I bet your future wife is pretty and won’t divorce you and that your children will be healthy and athletic. I wish you good health and a long life. I hope you avoid jail time and genital herpes. I want you to experience adventure, and do things you never thought you would. I hope life brings you good fortune, that you’re successful in your career. Dodge traffic, avoid terminal illness, and sleep well at night.

I do, and will continue to surround myself with cooler people, who love me as much as I love them. If I decide to get married someday, I am confident that my future husband will be hotter than you at your prime. If I decide to reproduce, I know my children will be more badass than yours. Perhaps they will be Youtube stars, groundbreaking musicians or novelists– they will be cool as hell.  I intend to live longer than you, all the while smoking pot and drinking too much red wine. I will see more of the world than you, not because I care what you’re doing– I just plan to see it all. I hope I come into a huge fortune, work hard and play harder. I will become a household name.

I want to say I wish you the best in your life, but I don’t. I wish me the best, but I hope you get second place.