photo: James Perilli @lostnights_photography
How I Got My Shit Together While Living at Home
+ Why It’s Okay to Be Exactly Where You Are.
Senior year of college, I experienced an inner transformation that led me on an adventure of leaving everything familiar behind. My new city (Asheville, NC) allowed me to intentionally create myself without having the baggage of who I had been. I felt a sense of freedom unlike anything I’d experienced. And I thought that in order to maintain that freedom, I had to stay where I was. The thought of moving back to my old life instilled a hefty dose of fear.
And here I am, back in the old. I moved in with my parents in October of 2017 because I wanted to get serious about saving money. The move itself was like a crash landing. I was riding the high of graduating from massage therapy school, feeling deeply loved and supported, and suddenly I was stuffing my car to the brim with my life. It felt like giving up in a way. I had just spent a year and a half cultivating new relationships, going far outside my comfort zone, creating a community for myself…for what?! It felt like: Okay Kim, fun’s over. You had your adventure. That’s great and all but no one cares and now it’s time for the big, bad real world.
When I pulled into my parent’s driveway, I felt a crippling sensation of several bricks over my chest. Simply the sight of my house and knowing I would be spending an indefinite amount of time there invoked extreme anxiety. The moment I walked in the door, however, I felt a sense of relief at the sight of my mom and her bright teary eyes.
The first few weeks were a blur. I didn’t unpack. I circled around my house in a chaotic frenzy, looking for a place to settle…like an adopted dog having trouble adjusting to its new environment. My childhood bedroom triggered me. I didn’t like sleeping in the room next to my parents. Everything everywhere triggered me. Why the hell did I think it was a good idea to come back here?
I felt old emotions creeping in that I thought I had healed. Suddenly, I didn’t want to exist again. Darkness penetrated me like a tidal wave. I was alone in my room, paralyzed by it. I felt like a complete and utter failure, a useless part of society, an unlovable, disgusting blob. Living felt like a lot of effort and I’d rather not. Instead of wallowing in that suffocating sludge, I did something radical: I asked for help.
I picked my gushy self up off the floor and out of fetal position, and dragged by body downstairs to my parents. They were surprised at the sight of me. I told them cynically: “I can’t be here anymore.” My mom responded, “Well, where are you gonna go? You have no money.” I replied, “I just don’t want to exist,” as I stared blankly into the nothingness that I was feeling, tears streaming down my face.
I shocked my parents. I’ve never shown them that side of me. How could anyone love me in all that hideous self-loathing? I strategically learned how to hide those feelings and be ‘good’ and ‘fine’ all the time. Now I’m learning that my strength is in my ability to express all the parts of me. Sharing my pain with my parents allowed us to work together to improve my situation. They suggested that I move into the basement, where I could have more of my own space. To my brothers’ dismay, I converted their gaming room into my new bedroom.
The transition into full-fledged adulting isn’t often talked about. It’s uncomfortable and itchy and humbling as hell. What I am learning now is the power I have in focusing my attention and thought. Instead of beating myself up for being back in the nest, I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of my circumstance. I could just as easily focus my attention on how horrible it is to be living with my parents and how do I go about dating? and blah, blah, blah but those thoughts do not benefit me or anyone around me.
First of all, what a blessing it is to live somewhere rent free. My intention in coming back here was to save up money and I am succeeding at that. I have jobs that I love. I’m around my family who I love. There’s a yoga studio nearby where I feel a strong sense of community. I have amazing friends around me. I created a women’s circle that I host in my basement monthly (contact me if you’re interested!) I live a mile from the beach. I have access to food and clean drinking water. I have a place to sleep every night. I know that anything I can dream of, I can create. I proved that to myself already.
Most of all, I am learning it is not about the place or the people. While I am deeply grateful for my experience in Asheville, I am seeing it was also an escape from my own darkness. I wanted nothing to do with my past. I wanted to be far away from the girl who went to bars and got blackout drunk every weekend because it was the only way she knew to free herself. The reality is, that girl still lives inside of me. She did not go away when I moved to Asheville.
A big part of me is the darkness—the one who lets one negative thought spiral into believing I am the world’s worst human and I don’t deserve to exist. I’m learning to love that part of me. And I’m learning to catch myself before I start spiraling out of control. We have been programmed since early childhood with subconscious beliefs and many of them are limiting and self-deprecating. The good news is we can work on rewiring our brains to rewrite the stories we tell about ourselves.
Right now, the story I am working on telling is that I can feel as free and unlimited in my hometown as I did in Asheville. Simply because I am back in the old environment, does not mean I have to play the same roles and repeat the same patterns. Every moment is an opportunity to tell a different, more empowering story like: I am enough or I am lovable or I am a powerful creator of my reality.
I am far different than the girl who lived here in high school and over college breaks. For example, I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t eat a diet that’s high in processed foods, meat and dairy. I eat mostly plant-based. I’m not texting boys all the time, holding my breath in anxious anticipation, as if their responses determined my life’s fate. I like my reflection in the mirror. I don’t fight with my parents. Since I have a loving, compassionate relationship with myself and my thoughts, I create a benevolent reality.
In all my years of education, cooped up in classrooms and lecture halls, I never learned about the power of my own beliefs. Like: everything that is in my reality right now, I am helping to create with my mind. This may sound ridiculous at first, because we are taught that things happen to us and we have no control over them.
But if you have even the slightest interest in improving your current reality, the first step is taking responsibility for the one you’re in. It can be daunting, but getting out of the mindset that you are a victim in this world will change your life dramatically. For me, shifting the story I tell myself about living with my parents has made my life a thousand times easier.
Years ago, I thought the world of self-help and spirituality was just gushy BS for the weak. Now, I am reaping the benefits of jumping head-first into that realm. Instead of running from pain, I’ve learned to feel it. I’ve cried more in the past 2 years than my entire life combined. Prior to that, I was habitually numbing my feelings with food and alcohol or running from them with a hectic schedule. I thought slowing down meant laziness and that I had do be constantly doing and ‘contributing’ to society, even if I had no clue what the heck I was doing it for. It was only when I created a chunk of space in my life in a new environment that I was able to truly feel. By feeling fully, I’ve released years of stuck emotion lodged in my body and I’ve lost a decent amount of weight without trying (not that losing weight is the answer to anything).
I have framed affirmations all over my house like: Every day in every way I am getting better and better (this stuff works!) I spend my free time walking in nature, stretching, reading empowering books (like You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero), meditating, and connecting deeply with others. I watch teachers on YouTube like Brené Brown, Matt Kahn, and Abraham Hicks. I’ve learned to get quiet enough to hear my intuition, which I used to think was just another weird hippy thing but it turns out this inner guidance is real and it’s saving my ass. I’m still thoroughly fucked-up and broken in lots of ways, but instead of letting my pain destroy me, I use it as fuel to break open and love harder.
After 6 months of living at home, I’ve saved up enough money to move to Hawaii. I’ll be working in a small farming community on the Garden Isle, Kauai. I don’t know all the details of this adventure, but I’ve taken enough leaps of faith into the unknown with an excited, passionate heart that I trust in the landing. It was only when I made peace with my current situation that I was able to buy my ticket. Unlike my last adventure, this time I have nothing to run from.
I’ll leave you with some affirmations: You are incredibly amazing. You are deeply loved. You are gifted in so many ways. You are way more powerful than you think. Where you are in this moment in time is perfect. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are enough. You are beautiful. Good things are on their way to you. Prosperity is your birthright. Be open to receive. Breathe in, this life is for you.
