As someone who has been writing for leisure for the past 7.5 years, I have many first drafts and incomplete confessionals that have never been seen by my readers. Today, I was casually browsing a google drive folder that I hadn’t accessed since college, when I found a research paper I had written for a sociology class called “Sex & Society.” I hadn’t read the paper since I presented it to my summer class over three years ago– the same class I met Ben in! If I remember correctly, we were instructed to write on a different aspect of dating in modern society. Always a fan of the shock-effect, I wrote mine on sugar daddy relationships. Today, when I re-read it, I was shocked at how strong my argument was– and I thought i’d share with you guys.
When I first started this blog, my ~thing~ was writing about shitty (and amazing) romantic interactions I had. I figured I may as well give you a taste of that again! So, enjoy the very last research paper I’ve written in my life– from June of 2015.
Intelligence and physical appearance are considered universal factors when weighing a person’s dating desirability. However, while it isn’t uncommon for an individual involved in the dating scene to measure someone’s wealth as an important aspect of their overall attractiveness, research on western dating has largely ignored monetary and material components of romantic relationships. Despite the historical ties between money and romance, there are a number of complexities when assessing the exchange of commodities and sexual intercourse. Frankly, western dating would cease to exist without money, but with so many negative connotations attached to those who date for wealth, it is much more challenging to study the ties between love, sex, money and morality.
On the basis of public misunderstanding and personal interest, I have researched the relationships between sugar babies and sugar daddies in recent history. A sugar daddy is best described as an older, successful man who is willing to take on the expenses of a much younger, beautiful women in return for a sexual relationship. My goal was to gain a deeper understanding as to the appeal of these relationships, a general profile of both parties, and a clear comparison to the blurred lines of dating in 2015.
Some people will spend their entire lives searching for success, others have already achieved it. By dating someone who has already proven themselves to be a provider, one can skip the financial hardships that many young adults face. While there are obvious appeals to being wealthy, the urgency heightens when one needs to escape astronomical dept! With so many young people owing tens of thousands in student loans, there is a serious incentive to not only date rich; but acquire wealth in the meantime. While one may judge a girl strutting around in Christian Louboutin heels and a Chanel bag you know she didn’t pay for with her entry-level paycheck; many young people are looking for sugar daddies with ironically responsible reasoning.
Brandon Wade CEO of SeekingArrangement started his company after experiencing absolutely no luck with traditional means of meeting women nor any of the dating websites that were popular at the time. He wanted to create a website that was more transparent. He was an MIT graduate, an immensely successful software engineer, single, and frustrated with the dating scene. Wade knew that if women were aware of his financial status that he would have many more prospects. Despite his nerdy-asian stereotype persona, Wade offered a number of attributes women would find attractive, but struggled to attain first dates. Ironically, he met his wife Tanya when she interviewed to work for his company.
A lot of people question the moral standing in Wade’s business ventures. His most popular site, Seeking Arrangement, facilitates the SB (sugar baby) and SD (sugar daddy) meeting arrangements. Users have the opportunity to create a profile, which includes location, marital status, hobbies/interests, arrangement expectations, etc. Members also have the opportunity to post public photos to their profiles, and password protected pictures. These private photos are not as risqué as one would assume, but instead serve as a light form of protection for high-profile members. Unlike many dating sites, a lack-of-photo isn’t a complete disadvantage. Experienced members of the site are aware that “more to lose” is often an incentive to meet someone.
While many people critique these relationships as a glamorized form of prostitution, many of those who have experienced them would likely disagree. Of course there are a number of people who use the sites for illegal activity, but you’ll find people with questionable motives on any dating site. As previously stated, money is an important element to western dating; you cannot date without money. While the romantic involvement between an SB and and SD may not be any more fulfilling than a late-night booty call, the relationships are often significantly more complex than sex-to-hire. For one, sexual attraction is usually mutual. In addition, SDs are often seasoned storytellers, with interesting personal histories, legitimate career advice to share, and professional track-records to prove their expertise. Women involved in sugar-centered relationships are often surprised by the level in which they enjoy the other’s companionship.
There are over 20 websites dedicated to sugar-centered relationships (three of which are owned by Wade.) The popularity of sugar relationships is a result of the americanization of sex. Partners are replaceable; both parties are using one another for personal interest. There are commercial aspects; in this instance sex sells in a manner that is so questionable that it’s borderline prostitution. Most sugar daddies pursue arrangements with intelligent, attractive, young women who are passive towards them and submissive in bed. Despite the fact that critics consider these relationships to be transactional and morally inappropriate, how we view sex is socially constructed. If you consider the way in which the media approves of Playboy behavior; these encounters have been normalized in our society.
The media glamorizes mature men like Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt. The older these men get, the more People magazine “sexiest man alive” covers they grace. George Clooney’s marriage was celebrated like a personal victory for the women of America. On the contrary, Jennifer Aniston is “finally having a baby” at least once a month on the CVS magazine rack. Upon her 30th birthday Kim Kardashian’s Us Weekly cover read “I thought I’d be married by now.” Modern society is obsessed with female youth; we’re taught to believe our value decreases as we get older. Men, on the other hand, are seen as more powerful and desirable with age.
As a man begins to age and his hair starts to turn grey, they are told that their “salt and pepper” hair is sexy. With the exception of the “creepy old man” stereotype, the older man has remained a sex symbol in our society. Similarly the “most beautiful women” as depicted in the media are usually in their early twenties. According to the Romantic Theory of sociology, the younger attractive women and the rich older man share the same value in the dating market and therefore make sense as a romantic union. It may be uncomfortable to assess oneself as holding a monetary value, but as Karl Marx suggested, modern society is characterized by putting all human relationships in the form of commodities.
Very few men identify middle age as the end of their sexuality, which is why so many stray. Despite overwhelming scientific evidence that menopause does not have to be the end of a woman’s sexual pleasure; there is still a negative stigma attached to older women and sexuality. Many men involved in sugar-centered relationships state that they only sought extramarital companionship once their spouse was no longer interested in having sex. While the fact that 40% of the men registered on Seeking Arrangement are married is unsettling, there are a number of popular “morally corrupt” dating sites. Ashley Madison, a dating site for married people, has a slogan that reads “life is short, have an affair.” Tinder, a dating app that is extremely popular among millennials, has users swipe left or right on their screen depending on if they find the person in the picture presented to them attractive. Even Match and Ok!Cupid allow users to filter out prospective candidates based on their salary.
Sugar daddies who are not be legally bound to someone else have a variety of reasons for choosing to get involved in an arrangement as opposed to a traditional relationship. As evident by their financial ability to be a SD in the first place, these men are often workaholics. For many of them, their love for their work is the reason their past relationships have failed. Arrangements are convenient in these circumstances, because SBs require a lot less time designation than girlfriends. Every arrangement is unique, but many of them have similarities. For one, there is usually an allowance involved. In some situations an SB may receive a weekly or monthly allowance, in other instances they may cash out during hangout sessions. This concept may raise suspicions, however since the 1970’s the courts have agreed that sexual acts are not deemed to fall within the realm of prostitution if there is something accompanying the sex, such as companionship, dinner, or even housework (Motyl 2013.) Some sugar-relationships are different in the sense that no actual cash is exchanged, just gifts, travel, and entertainment. From my personal experience this type of arrangement is most desirable for those who are looking to enjoy the luxurious life without feeling like a borderline sex-worker.
The desired dynamics of a potential arrangement are typically discussed early-on during a date. Typically the keyword is “mutually beneficial”. Not surprisingly, there are plenty of people on Seeking Arrangement and similar websites looking to exchange cash for sex. The site consistently reminds users that it isn’t an escort service nor a virtual brothel, but there are very few people searching for platonic companionship on this kind of website. That being said, no dating site is flawless, and most websites don’t monitor every single interaction between users. There is a risk with any form of internet use, especially for romantic encounters.
The ideal sugar baby is educated, beautiful, and from a cultured background. Many of these women are struggling with their personal finances, but others are simply indulging in “the finer things.” An arrangement is only as sincere as the people involved in it. Some people who partake in this behavior may be deceptive, but most are just an unusual combination of sensible and adventurous. Third parties may be quick to judge these women, yet their interactions are really neither socially acceptable nor unacceptable (Ertman 2009.) Many of the sexual encounters young Americans partake in are without emotion, often without respect. Although unconventional, sugar-centered arrangements are straight-forward, involve respect for one’s own privacy, and in a strange way– teach young women to speak up about what they want.
Money has never been removed from the dating market. We measure love in in how often we express affection, the lengths we would go to for another person, and the way we feel when we are around them. We assess romantic interest in restaurant selection, wine bottles, champagne and caviar. Some correlate commitment to carats. Morally speaking, have we improved from weighing a dowry to desirability or a trust-fund as a testament of one’s love? Dating and money are cohabitants. Without one you do not have the other. If it’s wrong to value youth, why do so many people adopt infants? If it’s immoral to be moved by money, why do so many people work jobs they hate? Physical beauty and personal wealth are commodities in the dating market and dating is an investment in sexual pleasure. The relationship between sugar babies and sugar daddies isn’t a comfortable construct for many, but I’ve found that these relationships are the most honest of them all.
Belk, R. W., & Coon, G. S. (n.d). Can’t Buy Me Love: Dating, Money, and Gifts. Advances In Consumer Research, 18(1), 521-527.
Ertman, M. M. (2009). For Both Love and Money: Viviana Zelizer’s The Purchase of Intimacy. Law & Social Inquiry, 34(4), 1017-1037. doi:10.1111/j.1747-4469.2009.01173.x
Motyl, J. (2013). Trading Sex for College Tuition: How Sugar Daddy “Dating” Sites May Be Sugar Coating Prostitution. Penn State Law Review, 117(3), 927-957.
Nelson, E. D. (1993). Sugar Daddies: “Keeping” A Mistress and the Gentleman’s Code. Qualitative Sociology, 16(1), 43.Prasad, M. (1999). THE MORALITY OF MARKET EXCHANGE: LOVE, MONEY, AND CONTRACTUAL JUSTICE. Sociological Perspectives, 42(2), 181-212.
